I wonder how many phone numbers you can learn before you die?

My son, who was born in America, built a wall out of LEGO to stop our chihuahua from crossing to the other side of the bed.

Does this mean he’s a Republican?

"Where's the dog? Are you sitting on the dog?," and other things you hear in a household with a chihuahua.

2:55 am. Our alcoholic neighbour is walking around on the roof, drunk, talking to a dog who isn’t there. I call the police, but there’s nothing they can do because it’s private property and he can do as he pleases, even if it’s stupid.

I’m to call 000 if he falls.

Cool, cool.

(forever nodding along on a video call where my camera is off.)

Got my Last Word! That was insanely difficult.

I assume that Bud Light ad is a metaphor for headaches and heartburn.

Sam woke up, looked over at me with his eyes half open and said “What happened? What happened to me?”

Sitting with Sam as he has an allergy test, and the Dad next to us just realised his kid’s iPad is signed into an Amazon account with credit cards attached.

See man walk. See man trip. See man lose his glass cup. See cup shatter. See man land on broken glass. See bleeding man weighing up continuing on to coffee anyhow.

Sam, pretending to give me an X-ray: “There’s a colony of ants in you!”

Well, fuck.

Funny - Sam makes this *exact* same face when I tell him he's not ready to go hunting with a bow.

"I'm sitting on a hair metal goldmine!," and other things you hear at the local café.

Finished The Witcher 3, and apparently I got the "Bad Ending," so I'd like my 300,00 hours back please.

I can smell the road melting. I can feel my skin burning in the direct sunlight.

The neighbours across the way are growing corn.

My dog is sitting in the sun, and I question her sanity.

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We eat bandwidth for breakfast.